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2005-06-12

2:10 p.m.

it was a sunday





[we're not friends]

I still cannot understand how two people who dated for 4 years can be so clueless around eachother. Wait, maybe I should rephrase that. I don't understand how Erika can be so clueless around me after dating for 4 years when I know her so well. I know that she can be a slob. I know that she often has "blinders" on when she's focused on something. I know that she lacks a bit of logic. I know that our situation is killing her because she wants to talk and chit-chat and have a local friend. But I just don't know how she could think that I want to be her friend right now. I have told her several times verbally plus there was that big angry letter I left her. And this was all in the last month, too recent to forget. Maybe its just different with females. I've had roommates before where that's all we were, not friends, not enemies, just roommates. That's all I'm looking for here. But she keeps trying to have friendly chats with me or asking if I want to do anything with her. She even asked me on Friday if I wanted to go see a movie together this weekend. I told her no. She asked if it was because of her or because of something else. I said bluntly that it was partly because it was with her and partly because I had to work this weekend. I felt bad, but that was what she wanted so I have her the honest truth. So tell me why again, this morning did she try and be friendly and talkative when I obviously did not want to socialize? And again she asked if I thought I would ever want to do some kind of activity with her. I told her no and that I couldn't see the possibility of that for a very long time. (probably never).

She did however apologize again. She said that she knows she apologized before but she still owed me a huge apology. That she now understands how incredibly lonely I must have been. And I kind of appreciated the apology, but then kind of felt like it was an insult. Like it was a nicer way of saying "I'm sorry you're such a loser with no friends. I can only imagine how horrible that must be for you. You poor ugly ugly loser freak."

Yesterday I got together with MSU friends Leslie and John who were in town for a wedding. I hadn't seen them in at least a year. We met at Marshall Fields where again my knowledge of the store's layout proved useful. We found a shawl for Leslie to wear with her dress. Afterward we only had about a half hour before I had to head home to go to work so we wandered around and ended up at Millenium Park. It was fun to see them but again felt nothing but shame when discussing my job. Ugh. Afterward I caught the Red Line to head home and had to deal with sardine can conditions as it was almost game time for the Cubs. Thank god it wasn't too hot cause there was barely any breathing room as it was. I felt like I was on one of those Trains in India where people are riding on top, out the windows, in the doorways, clinging to the sides. Thankfully I only had to deal with that for half my ride.










 

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